Avoiding Winter

Ben Robinson

Ben Robinson

All About Ben

By Ben Robinson

Believe it or not, there was a plan involved here.

I was located in the Upstate of South Carolina, where cold weather only happens just to show it still exists. Then talk became common about the so-called global warming. Word was that the temperatures would eventually cause a year-round summer in these parts. My reaction was to smile — 12 months of warm weather and girls in bikinis — not bad in exchange for several weeks of cold, miserable weather.

Of course, whoever came up with the theory of global warming ignored the fact that despite this terrible global crisis we hardly ever broke any records for high temperatures. My theory was that it is colder some winters, and not so bad others. Recent weather pretty much proves that I am right.

Right. I would rather be warm.

So this year we have already had one snowstorm that covered our quarter-mile driveway, but I was able to get out and about. The snow melted in a few days, giving support to those idiots who have been harping on the global warming theory. I sat down and made the statement that we did not need any more bad weather, or else we would spoil our “global warming.”

Of course, more bad weather followed, often just up the hill in North Carolina. At some point God knew that too much snow on Ben Robinson was not a good idea. Despite the prayers of so many school children, He assigned most of our snow for north of here.

“Ben will move to Hawaii,” God probably said to the angels one day.

“And you know the prayers of those kind Hawaiian girls. ‘Keep fat ugly guys off our island.’”

So if this weather continues, I may have to check out the islands for year-round warmth, causing those girls to cry while they hula around the island.

So let’s let this be our last confrontation with bad weather this year. You would think a fat guy like me would be more opposed to warm weather, but I really have no problem with that, especially since air conditioning has become so common. I can handle sweating better than I can handle shivering.