Battle of the bulge

By Ben Robinson
For the Courier

When my friends and I get together, the rules of social conduct are relaxed … perhaps even ignored. So last week when I met with my friends Tim and Bill, they were a bit brutal. Honest, but brutal.
“So, big Ben,” Tim said. “How’s the job search going?”

“Not too good,” I said. “I guess I’m just too dumb and too ugly for anybody to be interested in hiring me.”

“You might add in too egotistical,” Bill said.

“Well, I can at least help this situation,” I said. “I can lose some of this weight and get healthier.”

Tim and Bill raised their eyebrows at the same time.

“By ‘lose some weight,’ you’re talking about moving the scales from the bathroom, right?” Bill said.

“No, that wouldn’t do any good,” I said. “I need to get in shape.”
“Well, technically round is a shape, so you’re already there,” Tim said.
“No, I mean physically fit,” I said. “I doubt if you noticed, but I’ve been packing on the pounds lately.”

“No,” Tim said. “I just thought my living room had magically been transported into a closet.”

“Seriously,” I said. “We’re getting to the age when you start thinking about what you can do to live longer.”

“Get married,” Bill suggested.

“Will that make me live longer?” I asked.

“No,” Bill answered. “But it will make what time you have left seem a lot longer.”

“But that’s part of the problem,” I said. “How can I find a woman who finds me attractive if I don’t lose weight?”

“Simple,” Tim said. “Just find a good-looking woman, look deep in her eyes, and tell her, ‘I’ve just bought the highest-paying insurance policy I have ever had. And I need somebody to leave the money to when I’m gone.”

“Just make sure she realizes that by ‘when I’m gone,’ you mean when you’re dead, not just when you leave the room,” Bill added.

“Really, do you think the only way I can find true love is by promising an insurance payoff when I die?” I asked.

“No, of course not,” Tim said.

“There’s no such thing as true love,” Bill said. “You’d come just as close to finding the Loch Ness Monster.”

“Well, I’m going to lose some weight anyhow,” I said. “What do you think is the most important step?”

“Well, you need to fix your car,” Tim said.

“Fix my car?” I said. “What’s wrong with my car?”

“It keeps making turns into fast food drive-thrus,” Tim said.

“The drive-thru … what a wonderful invention,” Bill said. “Now you don’t even have to get out of your car to clog an artery.”

“Trust me, Ben,” Tim said. “The four food groups are not cheeseburgers, French fries, McNuggets and chocolate shakes.”

“I’ll admit I probably eat too much fast food,” I said.

“The Hamburglar could make a living off of you,” Bill added.

“OK, I’ll watch what I eat,” I said. “What would be the best exercise I could do to lose weight?”

“Push-aways,” Tim said.

“Push-aways?” I asked. “Do you mean push-ups?”

“No,” Bill said. “He means push-aways. After you eat a meal, you push yourself away from the table, so you’ll stop eating.”

Losing weight is going to be tough, but at least I can always count on the support of my friends.