Must we say no to Oreos?

Olivia Fowler

Olivia Fowler

On The Way

By Olivia Fowler

Sometimes things happen and I don’t find out about them until they are very old news, but just in case you missed it too, the news about Oreo cookies is scary.

We’ve all been saying no to drugs since Nancy Reagan told us to while happily nibbling away on these popular cookies. But a group of students and their neuroscience professor in Connecticut have conducted an experiment which indicates Oreos are as addictive as cocaine and heroin to lab rats.

Oh, lab rats, you may say. Why should we be concerned? Apparently the brains of lab rats are not so different from humans when it comes to addiction. This information is demoralizing. It’s not something we can be proud of.

I like to think that humans are better than rats. I’ve always thought chocolate is addictive. I crave it in times of stress and struggle to resist it.

Back in the day, the only thing that got me through press day was an unlimited supply of Tootsie Rolls. I ate them like candy.

The difficulty of a news story could be judged by how many Tootsie Rolls it took to get through it. The most difficult level of writing took a maximum of six Tootsie Rolls. Once in a blue moon something so complicated and horrendous would occur that seven Tootsie Rolls were required. This was a very bad situation, because seven Tootsie Rolls can trigger manic behavior. And make a person feel sick.

It’s possible the consumption of Oreos is even more hazardous than popping Tootsie Rolls.

The whole thing seems unlikely if you think about it.

For one thing, there is no mention of the size of the Oreos the rats ate. There is no explanation of how the rats took the Oreos apart so they could eat the filling first. Frankly, that seems a stretch. That’s the only way an Oreo can be eaten. Everybody knows that.

And even if the rats could pull the Oreos apart, how could they dip the cookie part into a glass of milk?

I’m not saying it didn’t happen. I’m just saying.

If Oreos really are addictive, should they be sold over the counter? Could it be claimed they have medicinal purposes? If so, they could offer some competition to medical marijuana. Maybe you could get them with a prescription.

If any of that should happen, would the possession of Oreos without authorization be a crime?

Come on people. It’s a cookie. It’s a shame that so many things we harmlessly enjoy have to be spoiled by too much information.

It’s kind of like being served brains with scrambled eggs but not finding out until after you’ve eaten them.